Tonight I’m thinking a lot about my triplets. Triplets… I haven’t said that in awhile…
As you may already know we were diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrom at week 16 of the pregnancy. At week 19 we had laser surgery performed and ended up losing our tough guy Easton sometime in the night. Now, I’ll be 37 weeks pregnant on Sunday, and our survivor babies Emery & Elijah should be here by the 29th of November. With all of our ups and downs that we’ve had through this pregnancy our doctor has reassured us that this is a normal twin pregnancy with no complications any longer. I was so thankful to finally hear the words “no complications”. It made me breathe just a little easier day to day, and now here we are so close to delivery.. it still seems surreal.
We’ve had some conversations with our doctor about what to expect: being induced of course at 38 weeks, more than likely having an epidural, the possibility of an emergency c section, and also what to expect when we meet all three babies, especially Easton. What I can tell you as of now is that I had put the thought of meeting our little Easton into the back of my mind. I knew things would be hard, but we had had so long to prepare ourselves for it I thought it would be a lot easier to handle… let me just tell you: it’s not.
My mother in law called the hospital a couple of weeks ago to ask about the process and what to expect from the nurses and where Easton would end up going after I had given birth, and things had settled down. I was NOT prepared to have this conversation, and as we continued with it my mind went crazy. “Will he be alone?” “Where will he go?” “Who will take care of him?” I kept telling myself he is still my baby, and even though he will never take a first breath I can’t let him be alone. I couldn’t fathom him being by himself, alone and afraid.. not knowing where he was… it was a hard evening thinking about these things. Again, I thought it would be so much easier because we had had so long to grieve, but I was starting to realize that it didn’t matter. That I haven’t fully grieved the loss of our son yet, and knowing this now has made me so anxious to deliver these babies into this world.
I remember telling my husband the next day: “I’m scared they will put Easton in my arms and I will not want to let him go. Not yet at least.” He’s been gone for 17 weeks now, and it’s tearing me apart inside knowing that he won’t be physically apart of me any longer. I keep thinking I’m not ready for this, I’m not ready to lose him again. I know it may seem weird to say “lose him again” but that’s what it feels like. It feels like I’m going through this process all over again. My husband keeps saying that our two other healthy little survivors will need me enough to where I won’t think about Easton as much, but when I look into his identical twin brother’s eyes I know I will automatically dream of a day that will never exist. I will dream of a day where I had all three of my babies, no complications, no issues, just 3 healthy babies that I would be taking care of day after day. Two adorable little boys and one precious little girl.
I can dream still right?