My Desire

Today, I’m finding jealousy rear it’s ugly head.

Why can she get pregnant naturally, but I can’t?

5 years ago I found myself wondering the same thing. Infertility was something new to my husband and I, I cried all the time. I never understood why we couldn’t get pregnant naturally, and to this day I still don’t.

Our life was changed in 2017 when on our first round of IUI I became pregnant with triplets. We lost our son, Easton, 19 weeks later from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Our world was rocked, and again I found myself wondering why. Now, 2 years later, we have two beautiful and healthy twin toddlers.

Our journey with our babies has been a magical one. It’s everything we could have wished for. Our children are our world, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Yet, why am I all of a sudden feeling jealous and saddened by people who are pregnant? Why do I have the same feelings I had 5 years ago?

Because, I can’t get pregnant naturally.

Two years ago, when we did our round of IUI at Oregon Reproductive Medicine, our situation was COMPLETELY different. I had a job with GREAT benefits. I was so lucky and blessed to have our whole infertility treatment paid for by my medical insurance, but now, I’m a stay at home mom, and my husband’s health insurance doesn’t help with ANY infertility treatments. Like none… zip, zero, zilch.

We’ve talked about it. We know we’re not ready for a third child. My life is crazy enough as it is with twin toddlers, but what happens when we are ready? How do we have another child? How can we afford it?

I guess that’s where the jealousy comes in.

I’m jealous that she can have a baby naturally and I can’t.

I’m jealous that she can just GET PREGNANT without any infertility treatments.

I’m jealous that she can get pregnant FOR FREE.

I’m jealous that her pregnancy CAN BE AN ACCIDENT.

I AM JEALOUS!

But you know what? It’s okay to be jealous.

I’m telling myself: “Heather, you have two beautiful gifts from God, but you know what? It’s okay to want more, and it’s okay to be jealous.”

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever wondered why something isn’t happening for you that is happening for everyone else? Have you ever wondered “WHY ME? WHY US?”

I’m here to tell you it’s okay. It’s okay to feel this way!

Yes, I have my two children, but I am in the right to wonder why it isn’t happening again. It’s okay to have something, but to want more! It’s not selfish to want more children, it’s HUMAN!

So again, here I am feeling the same way I felt 5 years ago. I don’t think the feeling of jealousy towards another family will ever go away. I think that even though I have what I’ve always wanted, and I know that we’re not ready for baby number three, that I will continue down the path of jealousy. I think that even after we are done having children, I will still feel this way. Way down deep in the pit of my stomach.

Simply because SHE HAS WHAT I WANT. Simplicity to get pregnant.

One thought on “My Desire

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  1. I so get this. Our infertility journey was 30 years ago. And I now have 3 beautiful kids… but they’ve all had health issues, and I look at others who seem to just sail thru life, and I cannot help thinking why them and not me… take care

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